I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Randomize
