At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
