I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
