just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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