so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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