Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
