the condom got lost in my hair
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
