my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
