literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
