why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
