Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize