I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
