Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize