1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
