Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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