He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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