I'm pants shitting drunk right now
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
