OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I need to stop coming to work sober
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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