I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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