Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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