1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I hate all girls vehemently.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You are the jesus of drinking
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
