I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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