barbara walters just said penis...
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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