The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
