I have demons in me.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Green mimosas i think yes
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
