That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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