My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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