I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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