btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
