I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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