Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
