i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
