i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
