she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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