I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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