I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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