nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The uberlube is also flammable
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
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