I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
