when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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