I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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