My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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