If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
