I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
