Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
