why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
