Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize