He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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