i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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