She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
