where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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