So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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