I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
