i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
