john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
