How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
