Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
