i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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