im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize