Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
