you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
